Release Date: Dec 20th 2019
Directed by: Tom Hooper
Yes I was that stupid to go see Cats…but I just had to. There were so many bad bad bad things about this movie but suprizingling…there were only a small few things that the movie did good. Lets just start the damn review and get into it.
Before I saw the movie of course I read some reviews and the biggest complaint was that the movie was boring opposed to a Troll 2 or The Room feel where it was so bad it was funny. This was something I acually really disagreed with and honestly I think it was because I went with two of my best friends and there was a group of guys who where in the theater with us who were also there to see this awful movie ironically so we were laughing and screaming and bantering between all of us and overall had a good time. I think maybe if I went by myself I can see where it could get boring but overall I thought it was hilarious due to how bad it was.
First and foremost the animation or whatever you want to call it sucked!!!!! It was…ugh. So first, none of these people looked like cats; they looked like people dressed up like monkeys that were dressed up as cats. The faces were basically just pasted on a giant realistic cat body. Talking about body… ALL THE CATS LOOKED NAKED. Now I know what your thinking ‘Izabella, all real cats are naked’ and yes that is true but these were full naked PEOPLE!! I saw WAY more human ass than I wanted to see in a PG movie about singing cats.
The action shots and effects where just as bad. These cats are jumping and flying through the air and it was like your high school production of Peter Pan or Mary Poppins. It was so hokey and things were almost like delayed. Camera shots were awful too considering the fact that whenever there was something we should have been paying attention too, I was paying attention to a grown ass naked human butt in my face.
I want you to close your eyes and imagine what a cat looks like: Soft fur, pointy ears, fluffy tails, FULL ASS HUMAN HANDS!!! Oh I’m sorry, were full ass human hands not on your list?! Well in this messed up world these cats have human hands and when I mean human I mean human; they did not even try to hide them with like fake fur or anything! You have this horrible looking cat thing to start but after awhile your brain is like okay it kinda looks like a cat THEN THEY USE THEIR HANDS AND EVERYTHING CHANGES!!!
For being PG, this movie was very…sexual. This is a pretty family friendly blog I think but we need to talk about this for real. Halfway through the movie I thought I was watching a version of Eyes Wide Shut but with cats (I am copywriting that idea so none of you better take it). All these cats were really like into each other and there was definitely sex and desire implied. I thought it was hystaricall but also just real uncomfortable at times. I am an 18 year old who saw this with my friends and was uncomfortable, how do you think young kids who saw this with their parents felt. It is sad to say, but on way more than one occasion there were cats SPREADING their legs; not just stretching like cats do but deliberately spreading their gross human/cat legs in other cats faces. There was just a whole ton of weird sexy things happening and I did not like it one bit.
To add onto all the horny cats, there is a scene were they all get high off their minds!!! My mind is not in the gutter or anything, they acually get high and there is nothing there to hide it. The Taylor Swift cat comes in on a giant moon; her, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer start to sprinkle golden catnip all over the cats and they start to go nuts!! They are twitching and moaning and just losing their minds. I shit you not there was one cat that looked like Mia in Pulp Fiction (you know the scene)! The last PG movie that was this ranchie was 16 candles and that was before PG-13 even came around!
Surprisingly there were some things that I did like in this movie. I really liked the plot out of true honestly. I have never seen the actual musical but I heard that there is just no plot and is just hard to follow. This movie acually had a plot that was quite easy to follow especially considering the fact that we were laughing are asses off and hardly paying attention. If you are unaware of the “plot” of Cats, all these weird cats with weird backstories meet once a year to decide which one is cool enough and worthy enough to get sent into the sun, die and start a new life. There were definitely some things that didn’t fall into place but overall it had something to acually watch and follow. The acting was not good by any means but I guess they got it done.
I also really enjoyed the music. Scratch that (pun not intended) THE MUSIC SLAPPED!! I don’t care what anyone says, but I love the music from Cats: The Original Broadway Cast and I love Andrew Lloyd Webber. They not only used to OG music but there were a few songs acually written for the movie that also slapped. The one songs that I was just angry about was Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. They used the same words (which don’t rhyme at all because….Cats) but sang them to a different tune. This was just awful because that song was originally done perfectly because they lyrics were kinda all over the place and had a melody to match and somehow made things work. The movie version was just boring and slow and sounded like total crap and nonsense. Was not a fan of that song.
Overall not a very good movie (duh). There was too much sexual tension for a movie about cats, the look was absolutely horrible and the cast was just too much; I would give Cats a 2/10 y’know for affort I guess.